The Unpersistence of Memory

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Perhaps this happens to you.  It’s a creepy feeling, regardless.  You’ve heard a lot about a movie and you decide to see it.  Since you’re not rich you decide to wait until it comes to a streaming service to which you already subscribe.  So far I’m sure you’re with me.  One evening, when the timing seems right, you sit down to see it.  You don’t know how it will end, but some scenes look familiar to you.  You nevertheless enjoy it—the jokes are fresh to you and you laugh.  You figure that you must’ve seen the familiar parts in the trailer.  You think the movie is quite good, and your spouse agrees.  Haunted by that uncanny feeling that parts were memories instead of just a trailer, you do some investigating only to learn that you did indeed see it before.  And it was only five years ago.

My memory is still reasonably good, I think.  I can recollect various movies from different ages of my life—including five years ago—but others failed to stick.  I hate to admit it, but this has happened to me more than once.  I’ve watched a movie, written a blog post on it, posted it, only to discover that I’d seen the film before and had even written about it.  Perhaps there’s too much stimulus entering this limited brain I have.  I can’t help but think it has to do with my work schedule; I started having such things happen when I was chained into a 9-2-5 day.  Before that, life seemed much more easily handleable.  As proof I would put forward the fact that my memory for movies, books, etc., before being dismissed from my calling is much better than it is for the years since.  Career malfunctions can have lasting effects.  A therapist once told me I was suffering PTSD.

Of course, I might just be getting older.  Still, it seems that memory works better in some circumstances than in others.  Movies have been an important part of my life, especially since being forced out of academia.  It’s troubling to find myself forgetting them.  As much as I enjoy cinema, I have limited time for watching films, and if one I rewatch wasn’t very good the first time, I’ve just used up a valuable Sunday afternoon when I could be researching my next book.  That’s the human dilemma, I suppose.  I Just can’t get over the idea that it has to do with work.  If it weren’t for that, the next book would be done already.  I’m sure this happens to everyone.  At least those with 9-2-5 jobs, if I remember correctly.

Photo by Denise Jans on Unsplash

Adulting

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Young professionals that I know often say adulting sucks.  Quite a bit of the time I tend to agree with them.  The 9-2-5 makes just getting along difficult, at times.  I’m sure there’s software to ease some of the woes, but you have to learn how to use it.  And that takes time.  Time I’d rather spend writing or reading.  For example, to get a small break on state taxes, if you work from home, you need to calculate your office space and then how much it costs to exist in your house for the year.  When I remember to do so, I can look utilities and mortgage up in Quicken.  Sometimes, however, when a book in my mind is distracting me I just tot all this up on the back of an envelope.  Then I need to type it in so my accountant can see it (taxes are far too complicated for mere mortals) and, I can’t underscore this too many times: numbers are adulting.

Photo by Tyler Easton on Unsplash

I’m an idea person.  The 9-2-5 (numbers!) that keeps you in front of a computer all week long means that things pile up.  Weekends seem too short to spend on numbers.  But you’ve got to balance that checkbook.  And even tot up the number of hours you give to “the man” each day.  What could be more adult than accounting?  Don’t get me wrong—at times numbers can be interesting.  Numbers, at their best, are philosophical.  One squared is one.  When you square any number greater than one, it increases.  One doesn’t.  And you can’t divide by zero and get zero for an answer, as handy as that’d be from time to time.  These abstract concepts come in useful but adulting involves serious numbers.  Numbers that imply liquidity.  Cash flow.  

Time is made up of numbers too.  If a social event comes up on a weekend, there goes your grocery and cleaning time.  And writing a book takes a tremendous amount of time.  It’s a second job on top of the other one you work 9-2-5.  All of this makes me think of those TIAA-CREF ads that showed prominent professors and captions that said “Because some people don’t have time to think of money.”  Or something similar.  That’s what I’m talking about.  Adulting is all about money.  And money must be taxed.  And you have to keep track of where it all goes.  I’m sure Quicken could help me with this, if I had time to learn it.  (We pay for it after all.)  But I’m kind of busy writing this book…

Time Flees

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I can’t speak for all early risers, of course, but for me the absolute worst thing about this useless tradition of switching to Daylight Saving Time is the loss of morning light.  I’m in favor of keeping DST all the time, as the US Senate has voted to do.  The only reason this is still an issue is to give the House yet something else to fight about.  How dysfunctional are we, really?  This one’s a no brainer!  Look, I start work early every day.  I jog before work because I’m too tired afterward.  In late February to early March I can get out and back before seven.  (In the summer before six!)  Then DST happens.  I’m plunged into another month of waiting until seven to be able to jog.  DST is just one of those ridiculous things we just keep doing because we don’t have the will to change it.  We’d rather fight.

I’ve been thinking a lot about time lately.  How we think of it, how we divide it.  We sometimes lose sight of the larger picture.  If relativity is right, the stars we see at night are, many of them, long gone.  We’re seeing light trudging through the near vacuum of space, or maybe dark matter, and thinking how we’ve got to get to our meeting on time.  How we need to be at work from 9-2-5.  How somebody with money owns that portion of our time.  There’s a reason that DST starts on a weekend.  Time.  We can’t grasp it but we can waste it.  What are we waiting for?  Some of us are seeking the truth.  Even so we know that Morpheus was right—time is always against us.  It’s a limited commodity, but even that language cheapens it.

Those of us of a philosophical bent allow ourselves time to ponder such things.  We call time a dimension, but what does that really mean?  Theoretically it can be traveled along in either direction (again, pending relativity) but we only experience it in one.  So what do we do?  We interrupt its flow because during a war during the last century it was deemed that industry could be more productive if it were light an hour later.  Maybe we should just all agree to shift our perception of time ahead by an hour permanently.  That’s forward thinking.  And who knows, it might just save us all a lot of time.

Please Slow Down

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I’m always happy to respond to emails from friends.  Lately, however, my account has been so cluttered that emails fall off the top page as more and more things require attention.  This, of course, when I was on a brief vacation for the first time in three years—followed immediately by a family funeral.  When do they expect you to have time to sort through all this stuff?  One culprit is the auto industry.  We bought, out of necessity, a new car.  It’s more than half computer and I receive nearly daily emails from the manufacturer about this or that.  And the insurance company they signed us up for.  You can’t just trash such emails since there might be something important in them.  But you don’t have time to read them all either.  (Many of them are trying to sell you up to entertainment services while driving—I never even listen to the radio while on the road, so please stop thinking I require entertainment while trying to pay attention to the insanity of other drivers.)

Our utilities companies have, of course, begun sending weekly emails as well, asking us to use their services less (or more).  How to winterize your home (with their help, that will only cost a few dollars), and how to save money by turning out lights when you leave the room.  (I learned this as a child.)  Still, you can’t automatically delete utilities emails since they also send notices of when and what your bill is going to be—somewhat important information.  If you subscribe to any news services, they will send you multiple emails a day, some of which you want to read, but not now—I’m trying to figure out how to drive a computer to the grocery store right now, after coming home to a foodless house after a funeral…  The articles look interesting, they really do.  It’s just that I’ve got medical emails I just can’t ignore.  I’ll get back to you, I promise.

Once in a way, I have a weekend morning free enough to sort through the accumulation of mail.  I only hope I won’t find a “past due” notice among them.  I don’t ignore email—I try to keep up with it as much as someone with a 9-2-5 and mortgage can.  And my brain isn’t as young as the thumb-racing, texting generation.  I need a bit of time to figure things out.  Then I come upon that email from an actual friend, buried over on page two or three.  My apologies to you for taking so long to get back in touch.  A new type of snow has accumulated, and it falls any season of the year.  Especially when you’re on vacation and then have a funeral to attend.  It’s like living in a novel by Kafka, or it would be, had I time to read.