Who’s ready to sue? Now, I’m not a litigious person, but when someone (and corporations are people, according to the law) to whom I’ve been paying buckoodles of money for many years tries to force me to do things as quid pro quo, it’s time to sue. I started using Apple products during the Reagan Administration. I can’t recall how many laptops, computers, iPods, iPads, iPhones, and iTunes cards that entails, but it’s been a year’s salary’s worth at least. Okay, my phone—which is a classic—has been fine until… and this is the kicker… we bought a new phone for my wife. Since then my iPhone has started having problems it never had before. Our service provider knows we bought a new phone. There’s got to be more money available there, “What’s he got in his pockets, my precious?”, right? As soon as it was activated, mine began acting up. Coincidence?
Look, tech gods. I don’t need a whole universe in my pocket. My phone is a camera, a GPS, and a text-sender. That’s all I need it to be. I can still read cursive. I have LPs—not the modern retro ones either—in my living room. I own pens and pencils. You have no right to make me buy an upgrade I don’t even need! I hate the capitalist game. Come here into my closet with me. (It’s okay, nothing weird, I promise.) See this shirt? I still wear it. I bought it in 1981. I know that’s 38 years ago. That’s precisely my point. The shirt’s still good, so why throw it out? You guys in Silicon Valley need to get out more. There’s more to life than upgrading people’s software while they’re asleep. I don’t know how you sue gods, but I’m going to figure it out.
Some of us are minimally middle class. Maybe in California you don’t have a lot of rain, but around here we do. And that means roof replacements. Maybe the tech gods pay you guys better, but I spent my youth earning a Ph.D. so I could earn less than a tree-trimmer in Iowa. That is true, by the way. So the last thing I need is some tech god extorting me to buy a new device. Leave my phone alone! And don’t tell me the tech doesn’t support it because I know people with cellphones over a decade old that still work. Republicans and tech gods know how to ignore subpoenas, I guess. But it’s time for the rest of us to file a lawsuit. Who’s with me?