Among those who write about horror, and those who talk about it, a common question is what drew you into it. The origin story of your fascination. I read a book where the author posed that question: when was the first time as a child you really felt fear? I paused and thought. Thinking back, the better question for me is when do I remember not feeling fear? I spent a lot of time scared as a child. I was born insecure, I guess. Things frightened me. I had more than my fair share of phobias and garden-variety fears. Even as I grew up, it didn’t seem that my siblings were the same way. I was the scaredy-cat. We all liked watching monster movies on Saturday afternoon, however. My gateway to manufactured fear was Dark Shadows. The many posts on this blog about that series should indicate how formative it was for my young psyche.
If you get to know me well enough I’ll tell you some of the traumas I faced early on in this earthly existence. Being the child of an alcoholic, I kept a close eye, and ear, on my environment. I still want to know just where everybody is. I don’t want someone startling or scaring me. I don’t like surprises. And I watch horror as therapy. It’s cathartic. And I write books about it. One of those hopeful books is about the spirituality of living in the dark. This isn’t something I willing chose. No, it was what I was born into and had to learn to cope with. I do like to “arm myself with knowledge.” I read about the world and my small, scary corner of it. Most everyone I read about had a well-adjusted childhood with one moment when fear coaxed them in. That wasn’t my experience of it.
As we age our memories of childhood take on different shading. Picture albums preserve the good times. “Smile for the camera.” My mother used to worry about me because I didn’t smile much as a child. I was afraid. I hadn’t yet learned how watching scary things might help me. Besides, I had siblings close in age and there were always distractions around. These days I’ve overcome most of my phobias. Becoming a parent, although it introduced new ones, led me to try to overcome some of the older ones. I sincerely hope trauma doesn’t get passed on genetically. Maybe I’ve ended up where I have for a reason. Watching horror gives me a chance to choose what form it will take.
